Battleship - A review

Battleship
2012
12A
Directed by Peter Berg
Written by John and Erich Hoeber
Starring: Taylor Kitsch as Lt. Alex Hopper
               Alexander Skarsgard as Stone Hopper
               Brooklyn Decker as Samantha Shane
               Rihanna as Petty Officer Cora Raikes
               Liam Neeson as Vice Admiral Shane


I blame Pirates of the Caribbean.  A film based on a theme park attraction will naturally lead to adaptations of more terrible ideas.  The Haunted Mansion was an early example of such failure, but it was Paramount who first hit on the idea of making films about toys.  And so, Transformers and GI Joe.  Surely, though, the seam must have been worked dry when it comes to Battleship?  Or are we going to get the long-awaited Hungry Hungry Hippos film next?

Joking aside, a game of Battleship is hardly the sort of thing that lends itself well to a narrative structure in any way.  With the aforementioned Transformers and GI Joe, you at least have heroes and villians to work with. However even with that, those films barely succeeded in telling interesting or coherent tales, so what hope for Battleship?  Especially when it is aiming for the same audience?

The answer to these questions is, it seems, to remake Transformers, whilst bolting on elements of other successful science fiction films.  Whilst there is a very ill-advised scene which seems to just have the heroes of the film playing the game, we mostly get the plot of Independence Day and Armageddon rolled into one, with plenty of cribbing from big book of James Cameron cliches, and even a bit of Pearl Harbour as well.  Whilst I begrudgingly admit that this was probably the best way forward for a film that should not have been made, it certainly does not justify how derivative the whole affair feels.

As you have guessed by now, it's a big, brainless blowout of a film, geared very much towards the sort of people who liked Transformers.  The main problem here is that, whilst Transformers successfully left me not caring about the fate of the world, or being able to tell one big robot apart from another, this film is actually even more faceless and generic than that one was.

The film opens with a satellite trying see into space, as all alien invasion films do, with plenty of ominous foreshadowing.  Then, after it has been decided that we have had enough expostion, we are introduced to the main character of the film, Alex Hopper, the sort of charming but troubled young stud that I had assumed had died out in the cinema by 1995.  After one mischevious scrape too many, his token responsible older brother Stone has him enrolled in the navy alongside himself.  We then flash-forward five years, and Alex seems to have learned nothing, still bucking authority in the navy, and attracting the ire of Vice Admiral Shane, played by Liam Neeson, with all the intensity and strength of a man who needs to pay a tax bill, but doesn't particularly want to.  Of course, Alex also intends to marry Shane's daughter, Samantha.  So far, so familiar.

With the very high chance that the wargames that the Japanese and U.S. Navies are (conveniently) engaging in (Hey, just like the game!) will be Alex's final campaign before he is booted out of the Navy for one altercation too many, the stage is now set for the action.  The above takes up the first 45 minutes or so of the film.  The rest concerns big scary alien ships that come landing in the middle of the wargames, all set on invading the Earth, and seemingly taking no prisoners.  Naturally, it ends up that Alex Hopper and his compatriots in arms are the last hope for humanity, and the spectacle can commence.

If it sounds like a video game, that's not too wide of the mark.  Product placements, glorified excuses to show off potential toys, and guns 'n' bombs galore.  As you would expect, it's not really an actor's film.  Taylor Kitsch is the lead, and serves his purpose, but doesn't linger in the memory.  All the other main leads just stand around, making dramatic poses and looking attractive, and Liam Neeson pretends to be a grizzled veteran, but really, he just can't be bothered.

Peter Berg is in the director's chair, with his last film probably being his best known, Hancock, and phones in another lazy, visually unappealing and all round sub-standard job.  The odd part is that, through dull direction and a plodding pace, he was able to take an interesting idea such as Hancock, and drag it down into inescapable mediocrity, even with talented lead actors.  Yet, with a terrible idea and, on the whole, uninteresting actors, he is able to make what should be a truly atrocious film into something that is simply only slightly rubbish.

If you are looking for action and well done visual effects, I guess you will probably enjoy it.  The action beats are entirely predictable, but still staged with a degree of competence, and overall it can be sat through without too much discomfort.  It certainly whips through at a brisk pace, and I was actually very surprised to learn it was over 2 hours long, so that is a minor plus.  Overall though, not a film I particularly enjoyed or would recommend to anyone who enjoys things that are aimed at those over the age of 12.

2/5